Testaments to a Stranger

Would you rather fly or fall? Do you think the collective
consciousness of humanity is more important than the establishment of
a single identity within the person? If you had one place to dance
in the world, and to see the moon die, where would you be?

I can't think right now, head clouded, facts, data, inserted
mechanic structures need to be placed to function in here---this
bloated room.
Call me pessimistic but I would never believe the whole of humanity
could be anything more than compromised/averaged as it is. Majority
opinion needs a quick emotional flame to unite. Otherwise society is
consumed, self-absorbed, oblivious: cars are shields and windows are
tinted. No one see on the inside and they like it that way. Must we
always protect the children from their own play things? I know why,
yet it is so far away from me. I am so removed, and I have a corner
in my room where I like to sleep. I like to dream of skin and
wrinkled blue eyes that are deep like crushed velvet and walking
without being able to see what I'm walking on, sort of fading in &
out, twinkling if you will. Fly or fall, gills or wings, to obtain
always needs the help of mechanical things. This cycle of life is
strange. I have found it is hypocrisy, a contradiction. I am
beautiful and ugly. My skin is pale and my eyes brown and my hair is
black and my blood is red, pigments just as anyone else's.
My mind runs circles around itself. The moon is a satellite to the
earth made of stones and concrete materials, bonded atoms, probably a
lot of carbon. Electrons satellite the nucleus in atoms. Earth is a
nucleus of organic matter and must there be more than these facts? Is
there? Are we not insignificant? should I be more than this flesh,
these flaking skin cells, and I like the mud myself. I like the
nothingness sometimes, the fact that this is pure---these facts---we
are made of these. Yet, dreams infest me. I still wonder is it an
air of inserted reality. Must I be more? I am what I am. I am soft
flesh. My bones break. I like my frailty; it gives me strength,
mortality, humility. I like my infinite universe; it gives me
space. I am alone truly, but I still like my dreams, my subconscious
mind, my humanity. I like beauty even though it is subjective; it is
not there. I like to feel even when I know I should think.
I know this society I resent. I am a part of them; I am a part of
you, of everyone. I hate it and I love it and I keep coming to the
idea: as far as thought process and patterns go that no one needs to
do anything. The human race does not need to think as one or feel or
care even. When I was especially euphoric and high, I spoke of an
idea of a collective human decay, that oblivion will strike because
we are what we think collectively. Determinism is a force that is
impossible to defeat. It has us by the guts, and it likes to
squeeze. Progression is a hope but like any hope it is only based on
values to the individual. Nature is instinctive and oblivious. A
deer will follow its brethren even as just a moment before it got
splattered all over cold, hard reality: the cement of destruction and
determinism. I feel sometimes like a child in thinking, in the way
that I like to be defiant and say I will not do such a thing. Humans
learn from their mistakes, from history ... right? I wish I could
remember with such clarity. Mass unity requires generalization,
generalization requires a little smudging of the facts, a little
stretching to fit the diversity of social, parental, historical
determinism, etc. Even if we started from the same point, we know
each will go off having their own whimsical desires of what has
happened, what will, what is perfect, what is right, where to go from
here. Often, you have to have hope to keep people together. Have to
make it somewhat simple, somewhat dulled, have to have something
concrete, or at least seeming to be. I am an idealistic realist
still. I think if a few will lead and know what the hell is going on
then maybe as the rest is so intent on following, we will lead them
to water and not blood. Masses need a leader with a voice to clarify
their own. The standard of living and knowledge is increasing
through out the centuries. With the right guide, I believe we will
advance to somewhere (where, who knows?). The question is: are you a
leader or a follower? I've never felt comfortable doing either, but I
have found pushing people, suggesting is all you can really do.
Trying to execute something only permeates its existence, they have a
cause now, a common relationship. If I change, if you do and we
spread ourselves, give people an open door, maybe they will follow,
maybe.
So yes, I think the individual is more important, especially if you
want to start something. Humanity as a whole does not have a
conscience or consciousness. Individual humans do. So light a fuse
with me, and we'll race into the darkness together. I always did like
to know how bombs ticked. and really when you are removed, when you
realize it is nothing but something, it's everything and nothing. It
doesn't matter this way or that and really it's all just for
interest, finding a spark, some beauty, I don't know. I feel kind of
free. I could be anywhere in the world and I would be free. I have
this spot in me that nothing can touch but, yet it is empathetic and
it feels. It is indestructible but vulnerable. The moon can fly
right the fuck down on me and I'd smile, knowing this.
Do you know this utter freedom. Do you know this? Tell me, are
your eyes mine looking up in this infinite sky?